After a tragedy, it can be hard to let go.

After any tragedy, it can be very hard to let go. Understandably, we worry if our children will ever be safe again, and we want deeply to protect them. Our children likewise may seek such protection. This is a understandable.

But we have to remember that our job, as parents and as teachers, isn't to hold on to our children, but to help them move out into the world on their own, in part because this will eventually be their task with children of their own. A tragedy like the April 16th shootings severely tests our ability to do that, for the world shows us its most frightening face.

Here are a few suggestions:

Remember that college is invariably a time for letting go, no matter what the circumstances. It was that way on April 15th and remains part of college’s purpose. If it was hard for you to let go of your children then, or perhaps for them to let go of you, it may be even harder now. But that doesn’t change the developmental task for any of us.

Part of recovering from any injury, physical or psychological or both, is relearning trust and self confidence. That is true for parents and students and teachers alike. It is natural to try to rethink what we would or could have done, but too much of that gets in the way of thinking about what we need to do in the present. Small steps at rebuilding our own confidence and trust can help, and will be good models for our children, who must do the same.

Setbacks and doubts are normal. Try not to overreact to them, whether they are your own or your children’s. They can best learn how to deal with trauma by seeing us deal with it well.

None of us came to April 16th problem free. Any personal issues we were dealing with before then still have to be faced at some point. If we had family or work conflicts, for example, on April 15th, they will probably impact how we deal with the Norris and AJ shootings. But the same is true for the strengths we had on April 15th. The skills and wisdom and good connections we had then weren’t lost with the gunfire. They are still with us, and can be developed and enhanced.

Reach out, if only to a diary or journal. It can be very hard to show pain to others. But studies show people recover from trauma better if they write about it than if they don’t. You don’t have to show what you write to anyone. For young children or creative adults it may be as helpful to draw or model clay. Tom Hanks’ character in the movie Cast Away survives in part because he creates a listener for himself out of an old volleyball that washes up on a deserted beach with him after he becomes the sole survivor of a plane crash.

Remember that people grieve differently, even within families and couples. Mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, sisters and brothers, grandparents and other relatives can have extremely different reactions to death or injury. Except for lashing out at others or self harm, no way is the wrong way to grieve. Try to help the members of your family find their own ways to handle their losses, and resist anyone’s efforts — including your own — to insist that so and so isn’t grieving “properly.”

Don’t feel ruled by statistics. Just because a certain percentage of people who experience serious injury or loss have reacted a certain way doesn’t mean you have to. If you didn’t abuse alcohol before April 16th to deal with pain, there’s no reason to do so now. If you felt good about your marriage on April 15th there’s no rule that says you should feel bad about it now. Losses and injuries bring out hidden weaknesses in all of us, but they just as surely bring out strengths and abilities we or those around us may never have known we had.

Remember that no place is truly safe and tragedy can strike anywhere. The April 16th shootings, like any disaster, simply underscore this fact. It won't help to try to replace the illusion that nothing bad could happen in Blacksburg with the illusion that nothing bad can happen in Tidewater or northern Virginia or wherever else we might live. Having witnessed the tragedy here, your children probably realize this better than anyone.

If they ask for support, help your children think through ways to find assistance, but again, let them be in control. There are many resources available for students to cope with grief, and these will be ongoing. Your confidence in their ability to cope with even a major disaster will likely be a much better protection for them than implying by your behavior that you don't really believe they can take care of themselves. Older adults as well as young people died or were wounded in the shootings. Age is not really an issue. Many others survived, however, and many performed bravely in the face of great danger.

Seek counseling for your own or other family members' fears, or seek therapy for your whole family if necessary, but be restrained about urging it on an injured child, which may only make them feel worse off than they are. Your fears as parents or the fears of siblings or other relatives and loved ones may call for therapy as much as any experience survivors have had. Watching events on the news may have been especially difficult, since people on campus often knew more about actual threats than those at home. Dealing with calls from the media also can take its toll. Don't become so concerned about your Tech student's emotional well-being that you neglect your own or your other children's. And remember, therapy isn’t a cureall. There are many therapeutic things all of us can do, from volunteering at the library to going for walks, to working in the garden to knitting or playing chess. If you do need a referral, contact us. We have contacts around the country.

Schedule your grief and your fears. Emotions are powerful but they aren’t omnipotent. Making time each day to sit with fears and griefs helps to keep them from simply popping up out of the blue when we ignore them or push them under the rug.

If you have further questions, call us any time and we’ll do our best to help you.

Scott Johnson, 540-231-7201, swj@vt.edu